I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
