life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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