Im at strip club and am horny
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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