I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
