I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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