You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize