I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
