Dude my mom stole all your condoms
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
