If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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