When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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