Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
