I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
