she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
