you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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