Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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