Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
