There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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