I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You're a waste of cheezeits
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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