Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
May the power of my ass compel you!!
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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