She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
