my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
