we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
