I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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