my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Dick very happy bro
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
