life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
