I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
