you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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