Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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