i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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