The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
All I want is dick and wine.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
