I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
