how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
