my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
