You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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