I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
