During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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