Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
