I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
