Your favorite bartender is back from prision
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
