i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Randomize
