At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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