just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
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