You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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