I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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