I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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