how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
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