Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Randomize