my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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