"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
