He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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