My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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