My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
3pm strippers are depressing
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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