so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
