So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
