I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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