I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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