If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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