I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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