I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
