oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
