Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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