Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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