mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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