all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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