at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
