ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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