I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Randomize
