just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize